Wednesday 22 May 2013

rememberings and ramblings

this May 11th me and Scott celebrated our 12yr anniversary. What a 12yrs it has been on the huge roller coaster that has been our lives!!

Not long after we met my mum and scotts dad were both diagnosed with cancer.  My mum was told pretty early on that hers was in-operable.  I t is a horrible thing watching your mum disintegrate right befor your eyes...my mum was 4ft6ish yet she acted like she was 10ft! she was such a busy person and loved walking the dog etc...all that stopped...even washing her hair became a struggle and i helped her to do it....something so mundane that we take doing for granted  made my mum feel human and alive she said.  Do i regret anything....yes ...i wish i spent more time with her rather than hiding from it...i wish i took the time to just sit with her...i am so glad that she got to see my first daughter and spend 4mths in her life...

A year or so after we met i fell pregnant.  We were both excited and although we had been planning to get married the following year we decided to tie the not as soon as we could.  That way his dad and my mum would be at our wedding.  The date was set may 11th ..i was so excited me and my mum went dress shopping for me and her ( i ended up wearing a skirt suit ..i regret that!).  Everything was going great....then the first turn in the roller coaster appeared...sadly scotts grandfather passed away and his funeral was to be held the day before our wedding.  It was a very sad time and we said that we would cancel the wedding and re set a new date...it was finally decided that no a wedding was needed..something to celebrate not mourn.  Then the second turn appeared...my mum was having problems with bloating as the cancer spread and 2 days befor the wedding she was in hospital with a stomach drain in to try to get the swelling to go down.

The day of my  wedding was here and although still sad from the day before...i woke up excited and very nervous...i had my first bout of morning/nervous sickness and then i couldn't think anymore as people arrived with flowers, cake and then the hairdresser arrived...finally i was ready and we went...the service was lovely and an hr after we got there i was now a Mrs...WOW!!!

3 months later in the August we were once again attending a funeral...this time for scott's dad.  he was a wonderful man and i wish he had gotten to meet his grandchildren...he would have adored them and they would have adored him..i really hope that he watches over them.

2 months after scotts dad passed Poppy was born...she was perfect.  My mum simply adored her.  I am so pleased she got to 4 months in poppy's life, at the same time i felt awful for scott as he so wanted his dad to have a chance to meet her.

4 months after Poppy arrived my mum passed away in a hospice with me and my dad holding her hand.  One of the hardest things i have ever done was sit there and watch as my mum took her final breath..i remember watching and willing her to breath again...but it never came.  When i finally looked at her face it was so beautifull...she looked so serene and pain free it was amazing, she looked asleep...she looked like my mum...the cancer had taken it's toll and while my mum was with us she looked so gaunt and frail and old..not like my mum at all...but when she went it was like a peacefulness had come over her.

in 2005 Holly was born ..i had holly via a vbac birth and it was amazing...i was told the day before induction that i had strep-b and would need anti-biotics.  i had the antibiotics but unfortunately we found out at 10 days old that Holly had caught the infection and she was seriously ill...she was in hospital for about a week and on very high antibiotics and we finally were able to go home.

2010 after 3 mc's i fell pregnant again.  I was extremley ill with the pregnancy and had sever hyperemisis gravidarum...many people see this and go " it is only morning sickness" ..please let me explain hg isn't just morning sickness it is a debilitating illness that nocks you for six...i had no energy i couldn't eat i couldn't drink...at one point i couldn't even swallow my own spit...i was hospitalised 5 times 3-4 days at a time on drips and anti sickness meds...none worked.  I was finally on my last visit given a drug called Ondanzatron...it is used for people having chemo as an anti sickness drug and is extremely expensive ( £20 per tablet or something) it was like a miracle drug to me...i still had to watch what i ate and i could sip at water ..i lost just over 3 stone during the pregnancy.  Finally labour started and i went to hospital..i had to have anti-bi's for strep b again...then everything went horribly wrong ....Aimee's heartbeat stopped and i was rushed to theatre for ac sec where they put you out cold....poor scott was just left standing in the room as i was wheeled away...the dr thought that she would be delivering an angel i think and decided i needed my husband with me as had gone through enough and decided to do the c sec under a spinal...she got Aimee out and it took them almost 2mins to revive her...was a very scary time for us.  Aimee started to have siezures at a day old and had just come back to ma after being in scbu...she was rushed back down to scbu and a cap on her head...was 3 needles that were inserted into her head to measure brain activity.
After an MRI we found out that Aimee had suffered a stroke just before birth...we were in total shock.....we went home and tried to carry on as normal..at 1yr 6mths Aimee was diagnosed with mild cerberal palsy...she is doing great...at 3yrs old she is a handfull but i wouldn't change her for the world.

That's our 12yr journey summed up in a few sentences...it has been difficult, terrifying and so sad at times...but it has also been amazing and magical at times aswell....


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